LAUGHING OUT VERY LOUD_Witty Humours from The House of YES Naija

*A little boy said: mummy do you know that our house girl is an angel?
Mum: why do you say that junior?
Because I saw her naked with her hands on the wall shouting oh God I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming, if not for daddy that was holding her tight from behind she would have gone up to heaven!=D =D =D


One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so. She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."


If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge


"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?" - Chris Rock



*Breaking News: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'


*Learn Chinese in 5 minutes! (say it out loud ;D )
1. Thats not right
(Sum Ting Wong)
2. See me ASAP
(Kum Hia Nao)
.........3. Small horse
(Tai Ni Po Ni)
4. You need a facelift
(Chin tu fat)
5. I thought you were on a diet
(Wai Yu Mun Ching)
6. He"s cleaning the car
(Wa Shing Ka)
7. Your body odour is offensive
(Yu Stin Ki Pu)
8. This is a tow away zone
(No Pah King)
9. Great!
(Fa Kin Su Pah)See MoreSee More


*A restaurant. In Umuahia. Man walks in. Sits down at table. Waiter comes. Talks to man. Walks. Ten minutes passes. Waiter comes. Puts food on man's table. Walks. Man yells. "Look at the chicken you just served me. One leg is shorter than the other." Waiter replies. "Are you planning to eat it, Sir, or dance with it?"


*Mallam Sule bought a new bullet proof jeep for N75M.
While visiting Warri, he was attacked by armed robbers who rained bullets on his car. To his amazement d car resisted all. So he startd abusin d bandits. One of dem gestured that he could not hear him, so Mallam Sule wound down his window & shouted:"shege danbura'uba, barawo banza, w......aka"...
Post-script: He has since been buried according to Muslim rites...See More


*Son: Why do barbers become good drivers shortly?
Father replied in short: Because they know all the short cuts.....

*Son: Dad, What is the secret of happy married life?
Dad replied in short: It is still a secret!!
Teacher:Who can make a sentence with Green, Pink and Yellow?
Student:Me me !! The phone goes ringing 'GREEN GREEN' I PINK up the phone. YELLOW , Who's there?


*The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


*When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about
football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.


*Patient: What is the cost of plastic surgery?
Doctor: 10,000$
Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic, then?
Doctor: ????/X#####


*The preacher's wife was making dinner, the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She explained that was the brand name of the ham. At dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"


*ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


*A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."


*Mother Superior gathered all the nuns in the convent together one day. She said "I am afraid to say that there is a case of gonorrhoea in the convent!"
One of the Nuns turned to the Mother Superior and said "Thank God for that, I'm sick of chardonnay!"


*Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?


*Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."


*"I'm having a ball!".... has a whole new meaning when you hear it from a cannibal.


*CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you ...must be sitting very high up.See More


*CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
...
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.


SOME LAW COURTS DO HAVE THEM;


Scene 1*

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Scene 2*

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

Scene 3*

ATTORNEY: She had three children right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Scene 3*

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going to say “ male”.

Scene 4*

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Scene 5*

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Scene 6*

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,Doctor?
WI TNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law